Common Mistake in Setting Boundaries: Should Women Make the First Move?

I was out for coffee with a close friend not long ago. She had that look on her face—the one that says “I need to talk, but I also don’t want to admit I’m overthinking this.”

“So,” she said, stirring her latte, “I matched with this guy. Super cute, seems decent. But I didn’t message him. I wanted to wait and see if he’d make the first move.”

I nodded. “Why?”

She shrugged. “I don’t want to seem too eager. I mean… shouldn’t he text first?”

Ah, there it was. The old dance between boundaries and initiative—especially for women. And honestly? It's something a lot of us get tangled up in.

Because here’s the thing: sometimes we confuse boundaries with rules. And in the process, we miss out on connection.

“I don’t chase.” But is it really chasing?

Somewhere along the way, a lot of women were taught (directly or not) that pursuing a guy meant giving up power. That if you messaged first, asked him out, or showed “too much interest,” you were breaking some sacred law of self-respect.

But… is that really true?

Setting boundaries is about protecting your emotional wellbeing—not playing emotional games. A boundary says, “I don’t tolerate disrespect.” It doesn’t say, “I refuse to be the first to speak.”

The truth is, reaching out isn’t weakness. It’s just communication.

Waiting can feel safe… but lonely

Let’s be honest—waiting for the other person to make the first move feels safer. You don’t have to risk rejection. You don’t have to worry about looking desperate. You get to stay on the high ground.

But that high ground? It’s usually empty. Because while you’re up there waiting, wondering if you're “doing it right,” the other person might be thinking the exact same thing.

Sometimes, the bravest boundary you can set is saying, “I’m going to show up honestly. If they can’t handle that, they’re not for me.”

Making the first move can be a boundary

There’s this idea that making the first move means throwing your standards out the window. But what if it’s the opposite?

What if reaching out first is you setting the tone for the kind of relationship you want?

Think about it. You message someone first because you’re interested, curious, or excited—not because you’re desperate. You ask someone out because you value connection—not because you’re willing to chase anyone who breathes.

When it’s rooted in confidence and clarity, making the first move is actually a sign that you know what you want—and you’re not afraid to explore it.

Connection > Control

My friend ended up texting the guy that night. Just something simple: “Hey, I liked your profile. What’s something that made you laugh this week?”

He responded. They chatted. They ended up going out a few days later. And no, it didn’t magically turn into a fairytale—but she felt proud of herself. Not because he liked her, but because she showed up with honesty and courage.

And that? That’s the good stuff.

So… should women make the first move?

There’s no right answer for everyone. But if you’re holding back only because you think you “shouldn’t,” maybe it’s time to ask yourself where that belief came from—and whether it’s really serving you.

Because boundaries are there to honor your worth, not build walls around it.

And love? Real love doesn’t care who spoke first. It just cares that you both showed up.